A Letter to Dogs and Cats

Author Unknown

Dear Dog and Cat,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate & food does not stake a claim to become your food & dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything larger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. Dogs and cats CAN actually curl up in a ball to sleep. It is not necessary to sleep stretched out to the fullest extent possible, perpendicular to each other across my bed. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the doors shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

The proper order of events is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and to complain about our pets:

1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he and/or she is my friend and room mate who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, leave the gas tank empty, or drive your car into something. They don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, pets don't worry about buying the latest fashions,don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college,and you can have them spayed and/or neutered. But if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

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