Dear Dog,

Author Unknown

Since you seem to have so much trouble processing the English language no matter how loudly it is spoken to you, I thought perhaps I could communicate with you more effectively if I wrote down my thoughts.

First, please allow me to assure you that you are not starving. In fact,if the newspapers bothered to publish those irritating "body-mass indices" that my wife so delights in reading aloud to me, I'm sure that we would discover that you have far more waddle in your walk than is strictly necessary.

The way you visually track each bite of food I take, with trembling expression of frantic pleading is most annoying. I realize you've been fed by the children at the table, but only when it's been I, and not my wife,who has been cooking, which rarely happens now that we've discovered pizza delivery.

Speaking of walks, we've been taking the same route around the same block for nine years. For you to sob, whine and tremble every time I get out your leash is just crazy. And would you please stop rolling in roadkill? Dead animals smell like well like dead fish. There's a reason I give you a bath every single time you roll in something -- it is NOT coincidence.

Here's a news flash: Our next door neighbors LIVE THERE. They have a right to be in their own yard! Stop barking at them through our windows! Your crazed fury is especially irritating in view of the fact that when you actually encounter them you flop on your back and let them rub your tummy. As a guard dog, you're about as intimidating as a gerbil.

The following are not digestible: balloons, crayons, socks. I can show you evidence in the yard. Stop eating them: they are not food!

I don't mind rolling down the window for you when we're in the car. I don't even mind that the air rushing up your nostrils makes you sneeze. What I do mind is that you always pull your head into the car to share your sneeze with the back of my neck. Keep your head out or in, that's all I ask.

The bushes in the back yard cost a lot of money, but nothing of value is hidden under them. Stop digging for buried treasure!

The stuff in the trash can is not your food. Oh and your expression of shocked innocence when we accuse you of dining at the garbage buffet is not nearly as persuasive as the forensic evidence left strewn around the kitchen. Stop blaming the cat: she doesn't eat anything that costs less than a dollar an ounce.

Oh, and speaking of the cat, just because she gets to sleep on the bed doesn't mean that you do too. Did you think that we wouldn't notice all the dog fur on our bedspread when we get home?

And another thing: I do not wake up at the same time every day! On days we don't work we're allowed to sleep past our normal waking time. Stop licking my face because your internal clock says it's time for breakfast. Don't dogs DO weekends?

Look, you make me crazy sometimes, but I suppose I have to admit that even though you're lazy (you probably won't even bother to read this letter) and don't seem very bright, you do have your positive attributes. You're the only one in the family who will get up and pace with me in front of the window when it's past curfew and my teenage daughter is parked in the driveway with her date. You're the only one who likes my cooking, and you share my opinion that we don't need a cat.

After nine years of living with you, I suppose my life just wouldn't be the same without you.

Wanna go for a walk?

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