Cattledog's Guide to Training Humans

by Bill Vaughn

The Art of Raising A Human:How To Be Your Person's Best Friend

by Stripe

Note:    Not all humans can be trained. Some do not have the mental capacity to understand cattledogs, and others will never appreciate our sense of humor. But, if you start early and are consistent, you have a good chance of creating the companion of a lifetime!

(1) Strangers    All strangers are to be ignored, unless they attempt to pet your bentley. If they do, freeze them with a look of contempt. If a small child attempts to pet your bentley, let them do so for as long as you can stand it, then roll onto your back and show them all your nasty parts.

If a stranger offers you food in a nice, humble manner, you may accept it (so as not to hurt their feelings). Spit it out as soon as they look away, but make sure your human sees it so that they appreciate your manners.

If a human boasts about how much *all* dogs love the treat they're offering you, either take it and bury it, or spit it out right back at them. Extra points for projectile spitting that strikes the source of the treat.

(2) Throwing Up     When you have to throw up, get to your human quickly. They like to watch. They get especially enthusiastic if you aim for their car seat, new couch, or bed. If your human is not home when you have to barf, try to hide it in a warm, damp, sheltered place where it will age well.

(3) Doors    Doors must be operated regularly to function well and ensure the physical health of your human. To get your human plenty of exercise, make sure they are at least sitting down before you demand that a door be opened. When they're looking comfortable, sneak up behind them and SHRIEK as loud as you can. The aerobic benefits of a good heart-pounding jump into the air cannot be overstated. Keep a stealthy eye on them once you're outside, and make sure to get them up again as soon as they sit back down. Repeat as needed.

Sub-topic:   Bathroom Doors     There are to be NO CLOSED DOORS between a cattledog and its designated person. Study the layout of every room and bathroom you see: bonus points are awarded for the ACD that busts open the bathroom door while their person is using the toilet. Cattledog Hall Of Fame points are given to the ACDs that manage to open the door in such a way that it hits a male human while he is standing using the facilities.

(4) VETS and other four letter words.    Since you are an extremely stoic and tough cattledog, you need to make an extra effort to ensure that your human gets to feel needed. Pick a time when the VETS office is closed, and act sick. Mope around, sigh a lot, whine a little, and limp on first one leg, then another. Refuse to play ball.This will send your human into a panic. After they have tried several remedies and fed you filet mignon, you may prove your miraculous recovery and show your appreciation by bringing over the neighbor's herd of Angus. If they love you enough they will take the hint and make more filet mignon.

If you do get suckered into going in to the VETS office, make sure that they think you're sweet and manageable while your human is there to witness it. If they try to take you away from your human or take you in to that back room where they pump alien life forms into your veins, show them how stubborn, strong, and LOUD 50 lbs of cattledog can be. Aim for shattered crystal and eardrums.

(5) Cattledog Talents    You were bred to have specific traits - use them appropriately.

Nose bonking:    All owners must be nose-bonked to bruise level at least once in their lifetime. Bonus points are awarded for black eyes, and Cattledog Hall of Fame points are given for non-fatal broken bones and stitches. Use of nose-bonking in herding is charming and encouraged.

Heeling:    Humans appreciate being shown how excited you are, and heeling is one of the most effective ways of showing them this. Human skin is tender, though,so be careful of how enthusiastically you demonstrate this trait.

Shreeking:    A well developed set of lungs and good timing will produce amazing results once you have mastered this art. The talented and clever among us recognize this tool as being more effective than shock collars, but also almost as dangerous. Use this tool sparingly, or your human may be permanently injured.

(6) Work:    A cattledog's work is never done. It is your duty to ensure that your household runs smoothly and that all proper procedures are followed. You are in charge of security, mealtime notification, c@t patrol, decoration, and making sure that your human stays fit. If you are good enough at training your humans, you will also someday be in charge of the livestock they will buy for you. Away from home, your work may have other aspects to it. If your humans enter you into competitions, it is your solemn cattledog duty to keep them humble and ensure that their sense of humor gets regular workouts. When you perform for a crowd, make it spectacular and memorable.

You may only be a "medium" sized dog, but everything you do is to be BIGGER THAN LIFE. This attitude and the results are addictive to your human, and will become necessary for their happiness. Creating and guarding that happiness is what you were born for - wear it proudly and never stop working at it!

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