By Victoria Brown,Condingup Branch, CWA,October 1995
When you're living in the country in the land of bush and scrub
And you're twenty k's from neighbours, another fifty from a pub,
When you haven't seen a soul for days, let alone a postman's van,
Well never fear, a visit's near, from your local Elder's Man.
He's a cheerful friendly fellow, with a twinkle in his eye.
He brings the daily papers and spare parts when he drops by.
He's your link with civilisation in your isolated spot.
And when it comes to sights he's seen, he hasn't missed a lot!
When you're living miles from anyone, you think you're not observed,
And a sense of false security makes you think you can't be heard.
Your city sister daily may have visitors pop in -
And so by 3.00, she's looking great, the house like a new pin.
For you, by 8.00 the kids are off, the cow's milked, you've fed the chooks -
You've been so bloody busy you haven't cared about your looks.
With hairy legs and daggy shorts and that funny little hat
Odd socks adorn your Rosie's - who the hell would fancy that.
But does it really matter? "'Cos there's no-one there to see.
Or so you thought 'till the Elder's Man calls unexpectedly
If he thinks "By God she's ugly - if I only had a gun!"
He never shows it on his face - acting lesson number one.
He never mentions unswept floors, or comments on the sink
That heaves and groans with breakfast plates that teeter on the brink
He understands that farmers' wives are busy all the time
And that when he sees you next in town, you'll be dressed up looking fine.
Last summer, hot as hell, North wind blowing fit to bust
The chook bin stank, the house pump seized up, I had to brave the dust.
I stuffed the baby in the pram, and dragged the toddler out
The pram wheels jammed, the scraps tipped up, I began to yell and shout.
I arrived exhausted at the shed to find the chooks were dead
"THIS GOD FORSAKEN HELL HOLE
Wish I lived in town instead!"
The wind roared loud, I cursed and swore and fell and beat the ground.
I failed to hear the Elder's Man had arrived without a sound.
He bent down sympathetically and offered me a hand,
I thanked him, extracting from my mouth large gobs of sand.
He said to me "Well isn't this a bugger of a day?
As if it were quite normal finding women in this way.
He put the children in his car, the toddler on his knee
And probably thought "She ought to be in an infirmary!"
But nothing more was ever said - though there is worse to come.
WORSE you say - much worse, I fear. Just listen to this one.
Two weeks later I decided it was time to mow the lawn.
The husband and the workman had gone off at crack of dawn.
I was alone and mowing hard, and working up a sweat,
So stripped off to my underwear to cool me down a bit.
The engine throbbed - the sun shone hard - I thought "Oh, what the hell
- I don't want strap marks on my back" - off came my bra as well.
Singing loud whilst working on my great all over tan
I mowed around the corner - BANG - in to the Elder's Man!
I wish I had been calm and cool and smiled and said "G'day!"
Instead I screamed, blushed, clutched myself and swiftly ran away.
With T-shirt and my shorts back on I met him at the door,
"I turned the mower off, love" was all he said - No more.
So when you're living in the bush just remember this advice
Expect the unexpected, or you'll end up losing face.
Stop yourself from fits of passion and those weird quirks if you can
Or you'll get caught for certain by your local Elder's Man!