Marriage
** Marriage has its good side. It teaches you loyalty, forebearance,
self-restraint and many other qualities you wouldn't need if you had
stayed single.
It is also a very expensive way to get your laundry done free. Getting
married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order
what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish
you had ordered that.
Man is incomplete until he marries, then he is finished.
Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious.
Both are dissapointed. It is the price men pay for sex and sex is the
price women pay for marriage.
Marriage is not just a word - it's a sentence. It is the triumph
of imagination over intellgence. A second marriage is the triumph of
hope over experience.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him
a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try
to understand her at all.
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- a custom which is still continued.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Marriage is
an institution. Therefore marriage is an
institution for the blind.
Love is holding hands in the street........Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant........Marriage is a Chinese take-out.
Love is cuddling on a sofa........Marriage is deciding on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.......Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.......Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.......Marriage is a tarmac drive.
Love is losing your appetite.......Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear......Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Love is a flickering flame.......Marriage is a flickering television.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.......Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself
two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report
it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad!
I've found a woman just like mother" His father replied, "So what do
you want? Sympathy?"
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost
impossible.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.
Adam and Eve had the ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear
about all the men she could have married, and she didn't
have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
I was examining cantaloupes at the grocery store and turned
to the produce clerk, who was refilling the bins.
"Choosing a cantaloupe is like picking a mate for marriage,"
I observed casually. "A person has no idea what he's getting
until it's too late."
"I know," he replied. "I've had three cantaloupes."
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always
right and the other is a husband.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.....
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering.
For Sale :...Wedding dress, size 8.....Worn once by mistake.
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual experience in picking lemons?'
'Well, as a matter if fact, yes!' she replied.? 'I've been divorced three times.'
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living
with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used
to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
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